adjusting

today the reality of this move finally hit me. i actually had thought as we packed up the house and drove out of cincinnati that it hit me then; apparently though it comes in stages, for not only myself but also for the kiddos. when we arrived in chicago last week brady was thrilled to say the least. he loves spending time with grandma and grandpa and of course he enjoys all the comes along with that... mcdonalds, ice cream, & not to mention cable (which we had shut off 6 weeks before the move). after a week though we were driving home from the local grocery store and he said to me, "mom, when are we going back to our house in Ohio because i really miss my bunk beds". later that night he was up till ten crying and asking when he could see his friend Baron again and over the whimpering asking if we could please skype him". it kinda breaks your heart because you know that you are to blame for making him "miss" these things and yet there is not an immediate fix-it solution to give a four year old that really and truly doesn't understand or accept the knowledge of our move to Macedonia which is obviously the reason he will no longer be sleeping in his bunk beds or seeing any of his buddies. i know brady will adjust, but it still breaks my heart and i realize that it will probably be even harder once we are in country.

as for john and i.... i think what we are grieving the most is our KING size bed, which is probably what the people renting our home are probably enjoying the most - right jesse and jen? our grief has been magnified by the reality of home renovation here at the jakus house. renovations that have left our normal "bedroom" without a door. need i say more...

cal has no clue what is going on; which is good and bad. good because it is one less person to comfort and make to feel secure through all this transition but bad because it means he doesn't understand and has no idea what is coming. there is so much unknown for him and so much unknown for us with him. most of our close friends and family know that Cal has been undergoing some testing and therapies for autism. although he has not been formally diagnosed with autism he exhibits some symptoms of the disorder. obviously as a parent this rips me apart inside. never do you want for your child to be at a disadvantage, never do you want your child to face challenges or be different. we spend our time as parents doing our best to shield our kids from as much harm and hurt that we can and the fact is i CAN NOT shield him from this. just like i can't shield brady from the reality of not seeing his friends or sleeping in his bunk beds (not exactly the same, but u get the point).

Thank you all for your love and support of our family. You mean more to us than you will ever know.

Oh - btw i also desperately miss my red corduroy couch.

oh... i forgot to mention as we were 15 minutes into our drive brady asked us "so, are we in another country yet". HA! if it was only that easy - he truly has no idea how far away we are moving from what he has always considered his home. love my BOY!

yesterday was emotional... that is the best way to describe it. it was a sunday morning and like most sunday mornings for us we were racing around the house to get ourselves and the kids fed, dressed and off to church; but this sunday we had a little more on our plate as we also threw some final items in our trunk since after church we would not be going back to our home. in fact we would not even be going back to west chester, let alone OHIO!

as we did a final walk-through of the house making sure we didn't miss anything it was hard to not recall the memories of our life there up to this point, again... emotional! we got in the car, shut the doors and drove away with and all too surreal feeling. John looked at me and said... i can't do this; i can't get up in front of these people and talk - i am going to lose it; just look at me"! most people who will read this will know that john and i are on staff with Athletes in Action a sport ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ and as "missionaries" our church wanted us to get up and talk to the congregation about what we will be doing in macedonia. since john is more or the public speaker he of course was going to be the one sharing with everyone.

He of course did cry... kinda like a small child, but he did manage to let everyone know that we were going to be embarking on a new adventure as a family. an adventure that would include a lot of very tall men (AKA - Pro Basketball Players), a new home in a new country and to sweeten the pot a whole new language to learn. crazy that 7 years ago john and i moved to the 'nati and i spent those first weeks crying myself to sleep thinking that i would never feel at home in this city. now i leave with tear welling my eyes thinking will i ever feel at home in Macedonia. if the past is a good predictor of the future i KNOW i will both fall in love with Macedonia and the people there (just as soon as i can learn to talk to them).

for the next few weeks we are in chicago making some final preparations for the move - ya know like visas so they don't kick us out before we even get there, praying that is all comes together and the boys don't tear apart the in-laws house too bad. trying to think of a great tag line to sign off with but i got nothing - so i guess it's just "later" for now.